By: Vindhy Fitrianti, S.Psi

Emotional Freedom Technique Lecturers, Trainers & Practitioners

Building a healthy marriage is the responsibility of both parties in marriage. Mutual openness and trust in one another are important factors needed because marriage journey is not just a day or two.


The existence of openness and mutual trust between each other holds the key to success and determines calmness in marriage. Then what happens if one of the partners starts to look like something is hiding or starts investigating the couple’s personal items, such as cellphones, bags, email accounts, and social media?


With current technological advances, it is very easy to investigate and enter someone’s personal account, access messages, e-mail, social media, direct messages, search history, and so on. However, even though this time is fairly easy, is it good if someone investigates their partner in this way? To discuss this, we need to underline about why someone does it.


First, there is generally a problem of trust underlying the action. There are concerns about something that is kept secret or activities that look suspicious, even covered up by their partners.


Second, there are problems in communication between partners. If there is no openness between partners, the problems will be difficult to resolve and suspicion will develop. Someone who investigates an item or his partner’s personal account feels the need to find out and dig deeper, but not by opening a chat or conversation that has the potential to increase the tension between the two.


In his view, investigating secretly feels easier than open and reveals what is felt through conversation. Third, one partner feels insecure and suspects his partner is having an affair. If one partner has lied or cheated, this increases the likelihood of feeling insecure and suspicious. Especially if the couple looks like they are hiding something and behaving differently.


Investigating the couple’s personal account was driven by the need to confirm suspicion. But there is a possibility that when a partner does not show something to hide, it is we who are driven by irrational curiosity and fear if their partner does as they are in the shadow or because of our experience with others.


When we don’t find what satisfies suspicion after fixing a partner’s personal account, there is still a possibility that we will continue to play with suspicion. Like “maybe our partner is too smart to hide something?” Not infrequently also occurs, spying activities lead to misunderstandings. Very often, the couple doing the investigating action does not read the whole conversation or event and immediately draws a conclusion which in reality is far from suspicion.


From the above, then returning to the question, is it okay if we investigate personal items such as cellphones and couples’ personal accounts? The most basic thing is not about wrong or not. But most likely behind these actions reflect the communication conditions that occur between partners. Back to ask yourself, what lies behind the tendency to investigate, spy on, or find out the contents of a partner’s personal account?


If the background is a communication problem, then revive the relationship by remembering that building healthy marriage is a series of business chains for the efforts that must be done proactively. Then if the background is due to feelings of insecure that are more caused by a series of experiences and our own personal journey, then when it really interferes with and affects marriage life and our overall self responses, it is better to consult and involve professionals to help.


In many ways, sometimes we need to pause and look at the problem more objectively. Reading what lies behind the problem itself sometimes becomes a clue for us about where to start the solution. One thing is certain, relying on a solution to yourself will only be tiring. So relying on the Wise is the only choice. Congratulations on trying to build sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah marriage.


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